btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
