Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
