I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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