okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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