I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
