R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
