You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
