he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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