i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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