oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
