It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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