The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
