I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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