I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
