I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
