I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
