You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am naked and annoyed.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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