I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
