What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You did what with his pubic hair?
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