either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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