I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
