Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
