i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
