I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
