Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
