He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
