East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
