if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
