there's paper in my vomit.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
