Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
