Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize