im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
