She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
