What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
