Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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