btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
