I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
