As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
