ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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