Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
