It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
