im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
