Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize