There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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