I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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