More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
