My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
