Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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