These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
