how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
