I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
