I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
