Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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