Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
