Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
