we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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i need to put some appletini on your dick
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE