She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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