umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.