the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN