Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.