I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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